Prepare for a worried rant. I feel like I need to get all of this stuff out of me and onto something else. Internet works nicely.
I got a postcard from Emmanuel yesterday and it asked for my course descriptions from Cape Cod Community College. I want to take this as a good sign, but I don't know?! I'm really nervous about everything right now. I'm nervous about not getting in and I'm nervous about getting in. Hello?! Didn't this same exact panic keep me home last year? Isn't this why I basically put my life on pause to attend a college I didn't want to go to?
I can't ever let the fear of the unknown keep me back happen again.
I'm nervous about leaving Boyfriend and Best Friends behind. Lately we've been talking about this. Ethan is planning on joining the Marines in July. He wants to come visit me when he gets out of boot. Ben wants to come up at least once every other week. Sam hates city life. Hopefully my other friend also named Sam moves up to Boston, too. She wants to go to UMASS. She talked about possibly getting an apartment together, which would be sweet, but I want the dorm experience at least once.
And I know that I have Adam and Cooper and I've met some of their friends who all seem nice. It's just strange. I've grown up with the same people since kindergarten. A lot of them still go to CCCC. I literally ran into my old friend Sean the other day and he looked at me like I never existed. Although I don't remember him getting to be so tall.
I love my BFF, too, but I'm worried a lot about her. She has this boy in her life that I feel like is just stringing her along. They dated at the end of last year but broke up two weeks later cause he was grounded all the time and had to sneak out to see her. She would give anything to be with him again. And I'm afraid it's cutting into her life.
I want a Wii really badly right now. I like going to the gym and I've been eating better but I like to SEE my progress, which Wii Fit lets you do. My sister wants me to get one so we can box.
Feelings. :(
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We have a Wii and you never come use it. I bought it for you guys to use.
ReplyDeleteAs I have told you many times before...you worry too much about things you have no control over. Try to keep your mind on your business. You have put in the proper paperwork for school and it is now out of your hands. Stop. Worrying. About. It. What will be will be.
You, Ben and your friends all have to do what is right for each of you. You will be following a seperate path to be the person who you are meant to be.
Good luck at letting all this "stuff" go and come use the Wii!
I know. I mean, I say I know all of this, but you know how hard of a time understanding. I think I'm moving forward, but then something happens and it all sets be back again. I guess I really don't know much at all, but I'm trying really hard to learn.
ReplyDeleteI'm just so confused! I wish that I could stop worrying about what I can't control but it's so darn hard. I feel like every one of the world's problems is my business and that it's within my power to fix it. And it's not. But a big part of me doesn't realize that yet.
Fear
ReplyDelete" Come to the edge, He said. They said, We are afraid. Come to the edge, He said. They came. He pushed them... and they flew."
Apollinaire, Guillaume
I have already suggested a way for you to learn the skill of detachment. It is only $1 per visit and could possibly help by giving you tools to manage the need you have to fix others and control life around you. It may bring you peace. Try something new, the old way is not working!
I write these things with love and concern for you!!!
I do know that! Thank you. And believe me, I've been considering it more and more. A day doesn't go by when I don't think about trying that out. I'm still not completely comfortable with it, though, but I'm sure that doesn't surprise you!
ReplyDeleteSomething needs to change though. I've been considering going back to therapy, much as I seriously don't want to. It helped two years ago, maybe it'll help again.